This year, help yourself.

Even if that means not helping others.

A strangely selfish and cruel statement, do you think? Maybe, but I heard a phrase somewhere that is worth remembering:

"I want to do the most good and prevent the most hurt, but I've got to put on my own oxygen mask first." [1]

I think a lot of people are worried about what people think, conflicting opinions and interests, making mistakes or maybe creating a reputation that doesn't necessarily reflect who you are. It's likely these reasons that cause many people to put up a facade. Holding the doors open for everybody, laughing and smiling at everything somebody says, providing false information about interests just to appear more interesting. But that's not you, is it?

Remember that you have 3 physical entities of yourself: The version that exists in your head, the version that you display, and then the version of you that a specific person has made based on what they've seen and heard of you.[2] It's this that can be frustrating, especially if other people think of you in a completely different light to yourself.

This can cause a lot of pressure on people to always appear their best, strive to be their happiest and ultimately tick all the boxes in order to appear as a good person. But remember, you are different to everybody.

It was that very thought process that led me to my 2018 New Year's resolution; Help myself.

Last year, I did things that made me happy and that was the priority. I needed to heal and focus on my own wellbeing [3] instead of chasing false identities in other people's heads.

I've always been an impulsive decision maker, whether it's starting an expensive hobby or driving 7 hours on a work night to collect a new car, I've always be impulsive. This impulsive decision making was suppressed in my last major relationship, so that was my first line of order. Be impulsive!

So I ignored all instincts and I did what I wanted to. I chased the love of my childhood, I moved country in a heartbeat, I arrived to get a teaching job, I moved back to England, I strived to get a 9-5 job, I bought an "expensive" car, unseen, at a stupid low price [4]. I bought things, tried new hobbies, I drank and drank, I fucked and fucked, I did everything I could to be happy. As often as possible, I avoided doing it at the expense of others. But after all, it helped.

Sometimes, letting go of that constant need to impress, tick boxes and live up to other people's standards is a necessity. We can't always live trying to please others, because then we neglect ourselves.

Now because I have spent a whole year dedicated to self-help and healing, I feel I'm in a position to return the favour and help someone else. 2019 is the year I dedicate to my dearly beloved, and make sure that her new life in England is as perfect as it can be. Even if that means sacrifice on my part.

So what are you going to do to help yourself this year?

[1] If you were wondering, it's from the video "I'm not dead." by Boyinaband on YouTube, a guy with genuine problems, who uses various methods of video and music to express himself.

[2] For that reason, you could say that there are actually 7 billion versions of you!

[3] and I need to reiterate those famous words, "it's ok to not be ok".

[4] A £1,200 2012 Vauxhall Insignia estate is always a red flag, especially at 184k miles. Anything could be broken. But after an oil change, things are looking good. Bargain. That's what I love about buying used cars!